Why Flying Sucks...Part One

I love flying. It's a fast and generally convenient way to travel. But there are always some dumbasses who manage to fuck up the whole experience. Here are a few I encountered on Friday:

Checking In-
I hate lines. To aviod them, I use the handy Delta self service kiosk. It prints your boarding pass and then when they call your name you take your luggage to the counter to be checked. Simple enough. Well onFriday when they called my name, some douchebag busted in front of me and demanded to know why I was being served first. The attendant explained that they call people's names in the order that the luggage tags are printed, and then asked him if he had used the self-service kiosk. The man then got angry and said all he wanted to do was talk to someone about something. The attendant politely pointed him to a line that didn't say "SELF SERVICE LINE" in bold red letters. Idiot.

Security-
When people go through security, some of them are pulled aside to go through "extra security" where their bags are searched and whatnot. When someone is selected for this, the security people will put a mark on their boarding pass with a bright orange highlighter. Then they are directed to a special line where there is a woman in boright orange brandishing a highlighter and waving them through. Only people with the orange mark are supposed to go through this line. While I was waiting (in the correct line), no fewer than twelve people tried to go through the "extra security" line. The woman in orange was clearly frustrated, and I don't blame her. Personally, I think if those people really wanted to get through that line, she should let them. It would serve them right to be stuck with a full cavity search as punishment for being complete morons.

Boarding-
Boarding the plane should be one of the easiest parts of the entire flying experience. Your boarding pass contains your seat assigment and zone number. Delta planes board by zone. They say very clearly over the loudspeaker "Now boarding Zone 5. Zone 5 may now board." When this happens though, there is always at least one moron from Zone 6 trying to weasel his way onto the plane. I mean really, what are you going to accomplish by getting on the plane 45 seconds before other people. I hate to break it to these idiots, but everyone on the plane is going to arrive at the same time, regardless of when they boarded.

Pilot-
When you are the pilot of my plane, I only want you to tell me two things:
1) How long until we arrive?
2) When can I expect my snack?

I do not need to know any other details, such as your children's names or what you had for breakfast. On Friday, the pilot's spiel went something like this:

"Hello, this is Captain Bob speaking. My copilot today is Captain Joe and he is looking rather spiffy in his freshly pressed suit. We are running a few minutes behind today, but we will be in the air soon, and I'm going to crank this plane's engines as fast as they can go to make up for lost time. We're about #4 for takeoff, so we should be in the air momentarily. If you look to your right, you will see the "Spirit of Delta." This plane was a gift to the Delta pilots back in the 70's and it is sitting here until it is moved to a museum in North Carolina to go on display. If you look to your left, you will see the rest of the airport and runways. The weather in Denver is about 50 degrees, so I hoped you packed your winter coat! Once we are in the air, I will periodically update you on landmarks that we are flying over, even though you probably don't care. Also, it may interest you to know that my wife left me earlier this week, so if the ride gets a little shaky, don't be alarmed. I'm simply flying more aggressively than usual..."

Anyway, you get the picture. Oh and that part about the "Spirit of Delta" is true. Airline Captains need to learn to just shut the hell up. Don't open your mouth and make me doubt whether you are qualified to fly a plane. Just tell me when we are landing and leave me the fuck alone.

There is so much more I could complain about right now, but I think I'll just cut it off here and save the rest for another installment.