Last week I was driving home from campus after a long day of GTA duties and class. Immediately after exiting the parking lot, I encountered about 6 deviants on skateboards in the middle of the road. Normally, when someone in the middle of the road sees a car coming, the intelligent thing to do is to quickly move out of the way so they aren't flattened like a pancake.
Not so much with these geniuses.
Instead of clearing a path, they all jumped on their boards and proceeded to roll with me down the hill, cutting back and forth in front of my car when it was convenient for them. This continued all the way to the stop sign at the end of the street. When I finally got to the intersection, I thought I was free of the little brats.
But it didn't end there.
As I turned right, so did they. Then they proceeded to randomly fly back and forth across the road, cutting off me and everyone else at their leisure. I blared my horn at them and revved my engine threateningly, but even that didn't deter the little delinquents. Finally I got through their self-imposed death trap and made it home, but the people behind me were left to deal with the boarders skating all over the road like they owned the place.
If I ever see those fuckers again, they had better fear for their worthless lives.
STAY THE FUCK OFF OF THE ROAD.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Anti-Smoking Nonsense
I smoke when I feel like smoking.I always take into account my surroundings when doing so. If I'm not smoking, I don't want to smell smoke, so I consider those non-smokers around me. I would consider myself a very polite and conscientious smoker.
On my way from Lowder to Parker today, I decided that I would like to enjoy a delicious cigarette. Having taken my "good" lighter out of my backpack to light a candle at home, I was left with only my "bad" lighter. I struck and stuck repeatedly, but it wouldn't light.
::enter bitch with nose seeking business other than her own::
"I think your lighter is telling you that you shouldn't smoke."
Without missing a beat, I said, "Actually, this lighter is a non-sentient object with no position on the healthfulness or detriments of smoking."
She made a smug look and continued to her MRS class.
I can't believe I actually retorted so quickly without tripping on my words or getting visibly angry. I have achieved a new level of anger.
Friday, January 19, 2007
On A Related Note
This goes along with Megan's grammar post, but it's more than just that.
Today I began 3 days of classes that supposedly will prepare me for my upcoming professional exam. I'm paying out the wazoo for this ($350 to be exact) so I was hoping to, you know, actually learn something. I guess that is asking too much.
Here's an excerpt directly from the practice test they gave us. You don't have to know a thing about interior design, or really even have graduated elementary school, to see what's wrong with it.
"Including all of the following, EXCEPT ____, can facilitate a healthy and safe working environment."
That is not even a sentence. A monkey could rip random words out of the dictionary and put together a better question than that. That vagabond Megan mentioned is getting tied to the horses as we speak, but let's move on to the next question, shall we?
"Universal design is defined as 'design for all people.' The underlying principles of universal design include:
a. accessibility, cost effectiveness, adaptability
b. accessibility, aesthetics, affordability
c. supportive, adaptive, accessible
d. safety, aesthetics, supportive."
Can these people not distinguish between a noun and an adjective? "Accessibility" can be a principle of design. "Accessible" is what your mom is. Oops....I mean, "accessible" is not a noun and therefore cannot be a principle of design. You can't just arbitrarily interchange the two. Options A and B are just fine, but I guess the monkey went on his lunch break and let a total moron take over from there. C is totally backwards, and D is a lovely mix of both nouns and adjectives in case you are feeling sort of grammatically ambivalent that day. Here's the best part....the correct answer is C.
I could go through all 137 questions, but I'm hoping if I stop now they'll let the vagabond go. Let me just briefly highlight some of the other blatant errors:
--Two identical questions, each with a different "correct" answer
--Random words inserted where they don't belong (i.e. "only the ground floor must to be accessible")
--Misuse of homonyms ("principle" instead of "principal")
--Two related questions that contradicted each other
--Questions with no correct answer
--Questions that listed the same answer twice
--Questions that were vague, misleading, or that split hairs between two very similar terms
When asked to address the vague questions and how to approach these on the exam, our instructors were oh so helpful: "Well....you're not going to get every single question right."
WHY am I giving these people my hard earned money???
Today I began 3 days of classes that supposedly will prepare me for my upcoming professional exam. I'm paying out the wazoo for this ($350 to be exact) so I was hoping to, you know, actually learn something. I guess that is asking too much.
Here's an excerpt directly from the practice test they gave us. You don't have to know a thing about interior design, or really even have graduated elementary school, to see what's wrong with it.
"Including all of the following, EXCEPT ____, can facilitate a healthy and safe working environment."
That is not even a sentence. A monkey could rip random words out of the dictionary and put together a better question than that. That vagabond Megan mentioned is getting tied to the horses as we speak, but let's move on to the next question, shall we?
"Universal design is defined as 'design for all people.' The underlying principles of universal design include:
a. accessibility, cost effectiveness, adaptability
b. accessibility, aesthetics, affordability
c. supportive, adaptive, accessible
d. safety, aesthetics, supportive."
Can these people not distinguish between a noun and an adjective? "Accessibility" can be a principle of design. "Accessible" is what your mom is. Oops....I mean, "accessible" is not a noun and therefore cannot be a principle of design. You can't just arbitrarily interchange the two. Options A and B are just fine, but I guess the monkey went on his lunch break and let a total moron take over from there. C is totally backwards, and D is a lovely mix of both nouns and adjectives in case you are feeling sort of grammatically ambivalent that day. Here's the best part....the correct answer is C.
I could go through all 137 questions, but I'm hoping if I stop now they'll let the vagabond go. Let me just briefly highlight some of the other blatant errors:
--Two identical questions, each with a different "correct" answer
--Random words inserted where they don't belong (i.e. "only the ground floor must to be accessible")
--Misuse of homonyms ("principle" instead of "principal")
--Two related questions that contradicted each other
--Questions with no correct answer
--Questions that listed the same answer twice
--Questions that were vague, misleading, or that split hairs between two very similar terms
When asked to address the vague questions and how to approach these on the exam, our instructors were oh so helpful: "Well....you're not going to get every single question right."
WHY am I giving these people my hard earned money???
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Textbook Trauma
I ordered a textbook from Half.com from a seller that has a very good rating. The book arrived very quickly and appeared to be in fine condition.
It wasn't until today when I went to do my Qualitative reading assignment this morning that I discovered that pages 81-128 are missing. For those of you not too adept at math, that is approximately 50 pages (encompassing an entire chapter and parts of two others) that are not in the book.
Astonishingly enough, that makes it slightly difficult for me to complete the assigned readings. Because I was lacking in pages, I was forced to pay an extra $2.50 to make copies from someone else's book, which is a considerable amount of money to someone with my financial standing. Additionally, the money that I had to fork over for copies severely diminishes my total savings from ordering my textbooks online. Textbook seller: please go crawl into an abandoned mine shaft and die.
Also to the seller of the book: FUCK YOU for not mentioning that minor detail in your book description. Next time, double check your product before dicking over your customers.
Note: I have sent the seller a message about this defect, so depending on the response, there may be an update to this post.
It wasn't until today when I went to do my Qualitative reading assignment this morning that I discovered that pages 81-128 are missing. For those of you not too adept at math, that is approximately 50 pages (encompassing an entire chapter and parts of two others) that are not in the book.
Astonishingly enough, that makes it slightly difficult for me to complete the assigned readings. Because I was lacking in pages, I was forced to pay an extra $2.50 to make copies from someone else's book, which is a considerable amount of money to someone with my financial standing. Additionally, the money that I had to fork over for copies severely diminishes my total savings from ordering my textbooks online. Textbook seller: please go crawl into an abandoned mine shaft and die.
Also to the seller of the book: FUCK YOU for not mentioning that minor detail in your book description. Next time, double check your product before dicking over your customers.
Note: I have sent the seller a message about this defect, so depending on the response, there may be an update to this post.
Monday, December 18, 2006
Grammatically Horrendous
During this past semester as a GTA, I have had the distinct pleasure of getting to grade literally hundreds of student papers. After a semester of reading such papers, I have compiled a list of general advice that I feel needs to be imparted on future paper writers, because frankly, some of the essays I had to grade made my soul bleed.
10 TIPS FOR WRITING PAPERS:
1. This may come as a shock, but all sentences must contain both subjects and verbs. Sentences are not contingent on the number of words. For example:
I am. <----This is a sentence. "I" is the subject and "am" is the verb.
Because he is a philatelist, which is a person who collects stamps as a hobby. <----This is not a sentence. Yes, it has many words, but it contains neither a subject nor a verb.
For further clarification:
You are a dipshit. <---- Sentence
Because I want you to fall in a hole and die. <----Not a sentence.
2. A homophone is a word that sounds like another word, but is spelled differently and has a different meaning.
Common examples:
Their, they're, there
To, two, too
Hear, here
Bare, bear
Ho, hoe
Hoar, whore
Please learn the difference between all these words, and double check that you are using them correctly before you turn your paper in. Otherwise, I will hunt you down and kill you.
3. Nobody likes exclamation points in papers! You are a moron!
4. punctuation and capitalization are important
5. Sew iz spelleeng and proper ward usage.
6. Just as sentences can be too short, they can also be too long. Sometimes people start to write a sentence and then don't know when to stop, so they just continue to write as they try to get out every single possible thought they can muster even though they are just rambling and have long since left the reader sitting in a massive pile of utter bewilderment, even though the sentence makes complete sense to them because they accidentally dropped acid that morning instead of taking their Flintstones vitamins which usually help them get through the day without making stupid mistakes such as writing sentences that are far too complicated and can be easily broken down into an entire paragraph, which would make the paper flow much more smoothly, but unfortunately you are a certifiable moron whose parents should seriously consider a retroactive abortion. Stop it.
7. By no means utilize terminology that you do not comprehend merely to appear to possess auxiliary acumen. You simply sound bombastic and obtuse. Idiot.
8. William Shatner once said, "The worst thing anyone can do in life is cut corners."
Okay, no he didn't. I made that up.
Don't invent sources. It's ethically irresponsible and you are probably far too stupid to get away with it anyway.
9. Don't never use no double negatives, you fucking redneck retard.
10. I don't care who you are or where you are from. You have never aten. You have never might could or usedta could do anything. Don't ever ask anybody where they are at, and if you ever manage to turn up missing, I will print off these suggestions, dip them in cow manure, light them on fire and shove them up my grammar-happy ass.
Please stop offending my senses with your poorly written nonsense. Every time you break one of these rules, not only does a part of my soul die, but in some distant land, a vagabond is unceremoniously drawn and quartered. Master the English language, or get the hell out of my country.
For more on this subject, please check out a related post in my blog.
10 TIPS FOR WRITING PAPERS:
1. This may come as a shock, but all sentences must contain both subjects and verbs. Sentences are not contingent on the number of words. For example:
I am. <----This is a sentence. "I" is the subject and "am" is the verb.
Because he is a philatelist, which is a person who collects stamps as a hobby. <----This is not a sentence. Yes, it has many words, but it contains neither a subject nor a verb.
For further clarification:
You are a dipshit. <---- Sentence
Because I want you to fall in a hole and die. <----Not a sentence.
2. A homophone is a word that sounds like another word, but is spelled differently and has a different meaning.
Common examples:
Their, they're, there
To, two, too
Hear, here
Bare, bear
Ho, hoe
Hoar, whore
Please learn the difference between all these words, and double check that you are using them correctly before you turn your paper in. Otherwise, I will hunt you down and kill you.
3. Nobody likes exclamation points in papers! You are a moron!
4. punctuation and capitalization are important
5. Sew iz spelleeng and proper ward usage.
6. Just as sentences can be too short, they can also be too long. Sometimes people start to write a sentence and then don't know when to stop, so they just continue to write as they try to get out every single possible thought they can muster even though they are just rambling and have long since left the reader sitting in a massive pile of utter bewilderment, even though the sentence makes complete sense to them because they accidentally dropped acid that morning instead of taking their Flintstones vitamins which usually help them get through the day without making stupid mistakes such as writing sentences that are far too complicated and can be easily broken down into an entire paragraph, which would make the paper flow much more smoothly, but unfortunately you are a certifiable moron whose parents should seriously consider a retroactive abortion. Stop it.
7. By no means utilize terminology that you do not comprehend merely to appear to possess auxiliary acumen. You simply sound bombastic and obtuse. Idiot.
8. William Shatner once said, "The worst thing anyone can do in life is cut corners."
Okay, no he didn't. I made that up.
Don't invent sources. It's ethically irresponsible and you are probably far too stupid to get away with it anyway.
9. Don't never use no double negatives, you fucking redneck retard.
10. I don't care who you are or where you are from. You have never aten. You have never might could or usedta could do anything. Don't ever ask anybody where they are at, and if you ever manage to turn up missing, I will print off these suggestions, dip them in cow manure, light them on fire and shove them up my grammar-happy ass.
Please stop offending my senses with your poorly written nonsense. Every time you break one of these rules, not only does a part of my soul die, but in some distant land, a vagabond is unceremoniously drawn and quartered. Master the English language, or get the hell out of my country.
For more on this subject, please check out a related post in my blog.
Sunday, November 26, 2006
On his way home from the redneck yacht club
I've parked in handicapped parking spaces before. Was it right? No. Was it convenient? You bet. It's not that I was deliberately trying to gyp a handicapped person out of a spot, that's just what despicable people do. Moving on. I've parked in handicapped spaces, but never across handicapped spaces.
Yeah, you're seeing that correctly. This person not only parked in a handicapped spot without a permit, they parked across it in a manner that prevented others from even parking in the adjacent spot. When I lived in Illinois, my family called this "parking like a Hoosier".
Just so you can develop or further your stereotyping skills, let me describe the driver. He was about 5' 10", had on a denim jacket and cowboy boots, and purchased a can of Skoal long cut.
Stupid rednecks.
Yeah, you're seeing that correctly. This person not only parked in a handicapped spot without a permit, they parked across it in a manner that prevented others from even parking in the adjacent spot. When I lived in Illinois, my family called this "parking like a Hoosier".
Just so you can develop or further your stereotyping skills, let me describe the driver. He was about 5' 10", had on a denim jacket and cowboy boots, and purchased a can of Skoal long cut.
Stupid rednecks.
Monday, November 13, 2006
Aggravated Apathy
Click the title. My lastest personal blog post very much belongs here, but for whatever reason, it is there.
Fuck the handicapped.
Fuck the handicapped.
Crapper Catastrophe
When I first moved into my apartment, the little flapper inside the toilet was broken. It was an inconvenience, but not a tragedy. I reported it to the office, and they said they would get to it once they fixed the major issues in people's apartments.
Shortly after this, I had a leak in my bathroom ceiling. Maintenance came to fix it, but not before putting a giant hole in the ceiling first. They promised to fix it soon.
Now, about three months later, the flapper and the ceiling hole have been repaired. Unfortunately, it has come at a great cost.
Whatever they did to my toilet seriously fucked it up to the point that it doesn't flush right. I don't know if this made a difference, but they ripped a big hole in the water saver cylinder. For a few days it would flush, but extremely slowly. We tried plunging it this weekend, but it didn't appear to be clogged. Today I flushed it, and it completely overflowed, flooding my bathroom.
To make matters worse, they completely trashed my bathroom. The toilet flapper and other random pieces of who knows what were partly in my trash can and partly strewn across the floor. A big, wet glob of plaster from the ceiling repair was stuck to the floor tile, and chunks of dry plaster littered my bathtub. In short, my bathroom is a disaster now, and I can't use my toilet.
Fuck you, maintenance, I thought your job was to fix things, not make them worse.
Shortly after this, I had a leak in my bathroom ceiling. Maintenance came to fix it, but not before putting a giant hole in the ceiling first. They promised to fix it soon.
Now, about three months later, the flapper and the ceiling hole have been repaired. Unfortunately, it has come at a great cost.
Whatever they did to my toilet seriously fucked it up to the point that it doesn't flush right. I don't know if this made a difference, but they ripped a big hole in the water saver cylinder. For a few days it would flush, but extremely slowly. We tried plunging it this weekend, but it didn't appear to be clogged. Today I flushed it, and it completely overflowed, flooding my bathroom.
To make matters worse, they completely trashed my bathroom. The toilet flapper and other random pieces of who knows what were partly in my trash can and partly strewn across the floor. A big, wet glob of plaster from the ceiling repair was stuck to the floor tile, and chunks of dry plaster littered my bathtub. In short, my bathroom is a disaster now, and I can't use my toilet.
Fuck you, maintenance, I thought your job was to fix things, not make them worse.
Monday, October 23, 2006
Icing
So. Today I can't remember if it was Megan or Gretchen that said someone should post a rant here.
Well here it goes...
In short...blue and white icing don't come out of the squishy bag too well and that pisses me off.
Well here it goes...
In short...blue and white icing don't come out of the squishy bag too well and that pisses me off.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Jewels from the Workplace
Supervisor. Employed for more than two years. You would think that one would pick up a few rudimentary concepts when working in a certain industry for that period of time.
"Corey, this piece of software says PC/Mac on the side. Will it work with like an HP and stuff?"
----------
"Can I help you find something today?"
"Yeah. I need the cartridge for this printer." ::hands me bar napkin with illegible scribbles::
"Is this an inkjet or laser printer?"
"Inkjet."
::I search furiously through product catalog looking for printer model::
"Oh wait! I think it's on of these big ones." (laser toner, NOT inkjet)
::Looks in different section of catalog. Finds printer model immediately::
----------
"Do you have the UBS cords for printers?"
----------
::customer point to 4 binders that another customer had lain down randomly::
"Are these the only binders you have?"
----------
"What's the difference between these two? Why's this one $100 more?"
"Because they are two entirely different machines."
----------
"This flatbed scanner is $79, but this printer/scanner/copier combo is also $79. Why would I buy just the scanner?"
"I don't know? Why would you?"
----------
I really wish I could say this was an anthology of stupidity collected over the course of a week, but these were all today. Guess who the only person on the sales floor was. Guess who had about a brazillion other things to do. Me, in case you are still pondering. My higher-ups need to get on the ball and hire some motherfuckers so I can do my job. I don't mind helping the occasional customer, but when I'm the only one on the floor being pulled between 7 different palsied shit-for-brains morons it becomes a burden.
Do me a favor. Come to my work, ask stupid questions, and await the act of violence that will end both my job and your consciousness.
"Corey, this piece of software says PC/Mac on the side. Will it work with like an HP and stuff?"
----------
"Can I help you find something today?"
"Yeah. I need the cartridge for this printer." ::hands me bar napkin with illegible scribbles::
"Is this an inkjet or laser printer?"
"Inkjet."
::I search furiously through product catalog looking for printer model::
"Oh wait! I think it's on of these big ones." (laser toner, NOT inkjet)
::Looks in different section of catalog. Finds printer model immediately::
----------
"Do you have the UBS cords for printers?"
----------
::customer point to 4 binders that another customer had lain down randomly::
"Are these the only binders you have?"
----------
"What's the difference between these two? Why's this one $100 more?"
"Because they are two entirely different machines."
----------
"This flatbed scanner is $79, but this printer/scanner/copier combo is also $79. Why would I buy just the scanner?"
"I don't know? Why would you?"
----------
I really wish I could say this was an anthology of stupidity collected over the course of a week, but these were all today. Guess who the only person on the sales floor was. Guess who had about a brazillion other things to do. Me, in case you are still pondering. My higher-ups need to get on the ball and hire some motherfuckers so I can do my job. I don't mind helping the occasional customer, but when I'm the only one on the floor being pulled between 7 different palsied shit-for-brains morons it becomes a burden.
Do me a favor. Come to my work, ask stupid questions, and await the act of violence that will end both my job and your consciousness.
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