Redneck Bullshit

This ties in with a post I made in my personal blog regarding bumper stickers. I'd like to hone in on a particular subset of stickers. I see them everywhere. Rebel this, Redneck that, Confederate blah blah. Let me reiterate what I've said before: heritage is one thing, but divisive bullshit is quite another.

I saw a sticker in a Georgia gas station that said "No Flag Had Better or Braver Soldiers" with a Confederate Stars and Bars flag to the left. Really? No flag? How about this one:
Recognize it? That's the UNITED States flag. I'd like to say that it's had many brave soldiers. More importantly, ones that can actually win wars. No disrespect to your ancestors, because they fought for what they believed in, which is a core American principal. However, you seem to transcend the heritage barrier and cross into loony, borderline traitorous devotion to an idea that didn't work then and wouldn't work today.

Another sticker said "If at first you don't secede, try try again." Let me lay it out for you: The South will NOT rise again. It never rose in the first place. Without the genius idea to go steal people from another continent to work for free on your farms, you wouldn't have enjoyed the economic success that you did. Mind you, if my employer stopped paying me, they would soon become the premier office supply store in the area. It's amazing what no labor costs do to gross margin.

Check out these gems.

So now the North was a terrorist force? This coming from the home land of a group that burns crosses in black people's yard for what purpose? They probably aren't inviting them outside for Jesus-infused wieners and smores.


Enough said.


If you can't read that, it says "I salute the Confederate Flag with Affection, Reverence, and Undying Devotion to the Cause for which it Stands." And what cause is that, pray tell? You should be more concerned with "I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same." That's what every naturalized citizen and soldier swears. If you were born here, chances are, you probably haven't heard it. Still applies to you though, assholes. "Rising again" would be an act of treason, as set forth in our Constitution. Let me paste the important part for you in case all the big words at the top confuse your simple Southern brain: "Article 3. Section 3. Treason against the United States, shall consist only in levying war against them, or in adhering to their enemies, giving them aid and comfort." Think it over, you stupid dickweeds.

There are plenty of other mind-boggling examples of what traitors these Confederate loyalists are. I did find one sticker that I agreed with.

Doosh O'Nomix

If my teacher were Irish, that would be his name. Macroeconomics is going to suck hardcore this year on account of my teacher being a pompous jerk with no idea that he isn't funny.

He spent a whole fucking hour explaining the syllabus. That would be fine if there were any mind boggling parts to it that required more than a 3rd grade reading level and a reasonably moderate understanding of how one receives an education.

Before he started covering the syllabus, he defined economics as "the management of scarce resources." Remember this, it will come in handy later.

Turn off your cell phones because it's respectful of your classmates. Don't sleep, because it's respectful to me. Don't do sudoku puzzles, because blah blah blah. As we relearned the concepts of the 10 point grading scale, plagiarism, and extra credit, we neared a contradiction. My teacher probably hadn't thought it through, and he had no idea he was going to be called out on it. The long list of unexcused absence examples included the following note: "Claiming to be sick but 'unable to afford to go to the doctor' is not an acceptable excuse."

I raised my hand, and the dialogue proceeded as follows:

Me: Is this your attendance policy or the school's?
Douchewad: Mine.
Me: I just wanted to clarify something, my only two options are 'pay the doctor $55 for a note that says I have the sniffles' or 'come here sick'?
DW: Yes.
Me: My scarce monetary resources prohibit me from making such an unnecessary trip to the doctor when I can easily treat it with a day of rest or over the counter drugs. Am I supposed to come to class at the expense of disrespecting my classmates by exposing them to my illness?
DW: No one said life was full of easy choices.
Me: No, but in a class that began with a description of scarce resources, I would think you would be sympathetic given the exorbitant cost of health care. Even still, not every sickness that keeps one out of the classroom is serious enough to merit even a copay.
DW: Look, I'm sure you're a trustworthy guy, but that's my policy.

Let me break that last line down for you: I have no logic, ergo I'm ending the conversation.

Add this upfront faux pas to his over-animated hand gestures, wacky facial expressions, and witless attempts at humor, and you've got one long fucking semester looking at you. I mean me. Shit.

Useless Website: Update

Original Post

I got a response today.

Dear Corey,

Thank you for voicing your concerns. And thank you for doing so with such beautiful words! To answer your question, the promo code does not go into effect until the movie goes into theaters. Once the movie is in theaters you can use the promo code, but before that time you can actually leave the promo code blank and just type in your zip code to find participating theaters in your area. Sorry for any confusion. I hope that answers your question. We apologize for not being able to get back to you sooner. Have a great day!

Sincerely,

Wes Malquist

Well, Wes Malquist, that would have been a perfectly good solution had your website not prohibited me from doing anything WITHOUT a promo code.

I hate you and your shitty website. You also have a douchy name.

Pardon Me While I Panic

As most of you know, I am currently applying to grad school here at Auburn. It was a last-minute decision, but I have been getting the application taken care of as fast as I can. When I talked to my department's Graduate Program Officer, he told me that I'm "In the middle of the pack" as far as applicants go, and that I had an excellent shot of getting in. The deadline for application isn't until July 15.

This meeting took place about a week and a half ago.

Yesterday after submitting another piece of my application, I sent him and email to ask him a few questions. He responded with answers to my questions, along with the following sentence:

"You'll need to get the process completed as quickly as possible, you are already the last person to apply."

What the fuck?

First of all, of course I'm the last one to apply! I just sent the stuff in yesterday! Does this mean nobody else will apply in the next two months? Of course not, unless he is psychic. Why would he even say that to me? Is he trying to scare me into getting the application in on time? I was doing fine on my own, thanks.

Second, why would he tell me that if only a week ago I was "in the middle of the pack" and there are still two full months until the deadline? What kind of logic is that? Who the hell hired him?

At any rate, I will get my application in when I damn well please (which just happens to be today). I think my GPO is just bitter that he is being replaced in the fall.

Useless Fucking Website

I open a couple of movies that my family bought, and there are coupons for free admission to The DaVinci Code. Fuck yeah! Before I got my hopes up too much, I decided to log on to the website and check to see if Auburn's theater was a "participating theater." I get to the website and it won't let me search for a nearby theater because the promotion is only valid from 05/18 to 06/30. Okay. Point taken. Now show me some fucking theaters!

I sent the website's proprietors a nice message via their internal feedback module.

Well I got your coupon in a couple of movies that I had bought. "Great!" I thought. "I'll log in and see if the theater here in town is one of the participating theaters." No, I won't. Why? Because you're website keeps reminding me that the promotion is only good between May 18th and June 30th. Thanks, assholes. I figured that since the fucking movie doesn't even come out until the 19th. I just figured, you know, maybe I'd check on the theater more than one day in advance. If I can drive a few miles to the next town over to a participating theater, I will, but I would like to make those plans a little in advance.

In short, thanks for nothing.

-Corey

I received a prompt auto-reply insuring their prompt attention to the matter at hand. "If you have any further questions please contact us by replying to this email or calling 877-796-0676."

You know. I just might.

Fuck MySpace

MySpace sucks. Why? Because it is filled with creepy, illiterate and very juvenile assholes. MySpace is a great way for me to keep in touch with my friends who didn't go to college or don't have facebook, but I hate having to sift through all of the shit just to use the features that I enjoy.

Things I hate:
Background Music
It's too loud and it starts automatically. For a FireFox user like myself who may have more than one tab opened, this can be very annoying and in some cases scary.

Overly Customizable Profiles
Sure, change the font, some colors and maybe throw in a background image, but it is fucking ridiculous the color schemes and type faces some people use. Here's a hint: black text on a black background isn't easy to read. Neither is lime green text on a pink or yellow background.

P.S. Whoever came up with the brilliant idea for those goddamn sparkly gif images can choke on their own feces.

Profile Viewing By Anyone
I get random adds from some of the weirdest people. If I have any strong common interests with the person or feel that I can have intellectual discourse with the person, then I may consider adding them back. But when I get messages like "Hey. I think you are cute. Add me back?" This isn't a problem except that it's always from ugly fatties. Here's one I got today:

Bulletins

• OMG Don't by gas tomorrow!! (Not a viable protest plan. You get an F for effort.)
  
• 450 Questions (I've been bored before, but some people make these things a habit.)
  
• New blog post (Don't care. If I wanted to read about your day, I would have subscribed to your blog.)
  
• New pictures (No one cares you conceited cunt.)
  
  Then there are the ones with deceiving titles that always compel you to open them, only to realize that it's more of the same old horseshit.
  
  
• Repost this and when you click post something cool will happen on your screen! I didn't believe it, but it worked! (If you clicked send and it worked, how were you able to tell us about it? Also, does no one have enough "common" sense about the internet to realize that this shit doesn't work. It hasn't since this shit cropped up in the late 90s.)
  
• If you love Jesus Christ, my personal lord and Savior, then repost this as "I love Jesus <3". Then watch your bulletins to see which of your friends aren't afraid to show their love for HIM. (There should be one more line that says 'Then judge them based on whether they repost it or not.' because that is really the intention.)
  
• For every person who reposts this bulletin, Microsoft and ExxonMobil will give $.01 to the American Society of Retarded Children of America Association. I don't know how this works, BUT IT DOES!!! (Stupid, stupid dumbasses.)
  
• Tom said the bills are getting too high and he wants to know who really uses this site, so if you don't repost this with the title "Tom is the man!" then your myspace will be deleted permanently! No joke! (Migraine....)

Just to top things off, I'm going to post a link to this as a bulletin on MySpace in hopes that some of these uneducated cretins will read this and realize that everyone I think they are a vapid douchebag.

[edit]: Response from Tits McFatfuck

Anonymous Commenting Cowards

This post shall be very short.

Anonymous comments are cowardly. If you are going to make accusations toward someone or pass judgments on their character, you WILL put your name to it. Especially in this blog, where we are all very open with our opinions. Just because the title has a wordy dird in it doesn't mean we don't have morals. That is just absurd.

Following someone around the internet and harassing them is creepy and probably considered stalking. If you have something against one of the posters in this blog, deal with it somewhere other than this blog. There will be no vendetta-based debate here. If you have something genuine to add to the conversation, you'll grow up and take accountability for your comments.

Solution: No more anonymous comments allowed!